This is second part of my journal entries with detailed explanations under each entry. This is the part when my life transitioned to help me become the better person I am today.
Jan 14th 2016, 8:30 pm
Today I met with my first therapist. She was nice. Her name was Bethany. Very understanding and laid back I like her. She asked me “when I’m expressing myself am I just thinking or feeling??” Mind blown. I’ve realized this is why it’s not helping as much. I’m just thinking I over think everything instead of just feeling. So Terra this will be hard, but how do you feel? I feel confused but in an eye opener kinda way. I feel stuck and tense. I feel like I’m about to cry for some unknown reason. I feel still. I feel stiff? I feel like this is harder than what I thought lol (laugh out loud).
The first session with my therapist. I found out about her online through a google search along with 4 other potential therapists. Her criteria seemed promising, her picture seemed welcoming. I had emailed her to see if we could have a consultation meeting of some general info before getting into the nitty gritty of things. All my life I had kind of repressed my emotional feelings due to being bullied for being a crybaby as a kid. I didn’t think that things like that would stick to me as I got older, but I guess it did. If I sound confused on Bethany’s request to “feel,” I was. I had thought that all my life I was feeling but she made me realize that I was just thinking, which of course thinking isn’t bad, but it’s okay to feel. Feeling was my first task.
Jan 15th 2016, 9:09pm
I feel overwhelmed. I feel pressured. I feel trapped. I feel mentally exhausted. I feel tired and over this feeling. This is one of the down days. Alcohol sounds really good rn (right now) but I’m tired. If I get drunk I won’t have any fun cause I’m still at home. I’ll be dwelling on the pain instead of forgetting it. I hate it here so bad. I feel claustrophobic. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m being dragged down into a pitch black hole in a dark room with a tiny light in the corner of the room. That light was my only hope but the hands are getting stronger. I’m losing. They’re getting to my neck making it hard for me to breath. I feel like I can’t even handle the little responsibilities I have now. I feel like I’m about to cry again. I already cried once for today. So many tears lately.
Oh yeah I was “feeling.” There was so many ways I used to describe my depression and “the hands” is a way of how I felt of this disease at the time. This was probably the worse of my depression. All of these unleashed emotions on top of the usual stuff I was going through, was madness. (These feelings were never ending. From here until about the end of April of 2016, I went through this extremely emotional state were I would just cry without an explainable reason. Something small wouldn’t go quite right and it would send me on a substantial, non stop crying state to the point where I couldn’t focus and wouldn’t want to anywhere except at home in my bed. These crying episodes had became so common that I could tell when it was going to happen, some time within the day, usually when I woke up. Then I would go to work and notice that I was really moody and very irritable by the slightest things or errors. I would just want to go home and lay in my bed without anything major to set me off. Like the cherry on top of my emotional ice cream cone, something little would happen and I would just burst into tears. When I would feel the urge to cry start to come, I would try to hurry to the nearest bathroom to avoid people’s reaction and questions, go inside of a stall and cry for a good 15-20 minutes.At times if I wouldn’t make it in time, I would just walk to a further aisle, away from most people and let my emotions flow. It was easy to be hidden, considering I worked in a giant warehouse. After I was done, I would feel relieved and get back to work. At first I would always call Nik to explain what I was feeling, but eventually I stopped only because it became so routine. I went to see Bethany again for a follow up session about my random crying episodes and she explained to me that it was normal since I had held all those feels for so many years. She had warned me saying it was going to suck, and boy it did.
Feb 12, 2016
All smiles again. I can’t believe I kept up with everything and still managed to make it to bed by 9:30pm. Like this is a shock. I felt very focused today even at work. Did I mention I didn’t fuck up today? At copper moon? Not a single huge mistake. Not even a void on the cash register. If I messed something up or didn’t keep it with it, I solved it. I was very social today. Idk (I don’t know) I’m pretty proud of myself and I just feels a lot better. Although today I had a lot to do I also had more time. Is it the lack of junk food that’s keeping me sane? Idk but I like it. I’m just going to roll with the idea that it is the food but I won’t know for sure until I see how tomorrow plays out. If I’m successful this next week and I have money to spare, personal trainer here I come. Who cares if I don’t have the right workout attire? I’ll only see them a limited amount of time anyway. Gosh I’m so excited but the thing that’s different about this excitement is that I actually feel happy. Ik (I know) it’s only been about 2 days of success but I actually feel like I’m genuinely happy at this moment. I feel like I’m living l, on my way to my path of success by appreciating life, and most importantly I feel triumph against my depression. I feel like she is finally starting to get weaker, not just sitting in the corner waiting to pop out at my highest points. I feel like I’m actually winning this time. Either that or this bitch has a lot up her sleeve. For now I’ll just keep smiling and living my life. Goodnight.
Ah yes, the transition period. I never actually got a personal trainer but it still means a lot to me because out of all the times in the past where I said I was going to do something, I was very sure about this one. I didn’t have the money but I did push myself to workout on my own and it did paid off. I used to come up with all sorts of excuses, such as not having the “right” workout attire, with anything that was new and out of my comfort zone. Life started to flip to the more positive side around this time and all the feels weren’t as uncontrolled as before. I couldn’t tell if it was my productivity or eating healthier that’s helped keep me sane around this time. It was so unreal to actually grasp the feeling of being happy because in the past, my happiness only lasted for a very short amount of time or I had to fake some portion of it. I was a little scared of how long this great feeling was going to last, hence that anxious feeling at the end.
Source: “David Foster Wallace, Mikko Kourinki,” euo.tumblr.com
April 23rd, 2016
Today at Wally World I was thinking about that fb (Facebook) post that said “when life is so lit and you think to yourself, glad I didn’t kill myself 6 months ago.” When I read that post however long ago, it hit me but not as much as it did today. The other times I had the thought but around this time 6 months ago I actually almost attempted it. I still remember that day perfectly and how devoted I was to doing it. Usually when I invite Nik over I can kinda tell if he’ll go or not and most of the time I am but for some reason, I guess the stars, God, or just coincidence, he came over. He texted me right when I was about to start. And it’s not like I was sad either, which is weird, I was accepting of it. Like whatever I guess I’m going to die…but that’s not the point haha..I brought this up because I remembered that post and I looked at my life rn and it’s pretty “lit”. Like I remember that post when I’m not enjoying but not hating life, just living. Ig (I guess) it’s because I feel like the normal day to day tasks that anybody can handle, I can too. I used to not be able to even get up but I’m here and I’ve grown so much. I was so amazed that I even teared up at my success. I’m so grateful rn and I’m really glad I didn’t kill myself. It might come back but as each day goes on I think since I’ve been crying like a bitch, I can handle it a little better. I mean I always say that…
This was one of the biggest milestones of overcoming my depression and also when I had felt pretty confident that I was about to be cured pretty soon. I saw that post and coincidentally, I had my suicide attempt 6 months prior. When I saw the post the second time, I thought to myself, “how do you feel now?” After a minute or two to think about it, I had felt my life at this moment was pretty good. It was weird because I felt like I could be sad like other humans when having a bad day, not extremely sad and needing to curl in my bed all day. I had felt normal being openly expressive with my emotions and knew what I needed to do in order to keep myself happy. I had felt normal, in my own way. This was a great day that still puts a smile on my face.
*All names except my therapist, were changed due to privacy*
*Featured Photo Source By: flickr.com/photos/annakieblesz, (complete link on: melisica.tumblr.com)
For somebody who may need the help as I did:
St. Vincent Stress Center
8401 Harcourt Road, Indianapolis, IN 46260